CONFIRMED: Body Identified After Trump’s North Korea Bombing Is Kim Jong Un

Our sources at the Pentagon, all of whom have been right so far, have now confirmed that one of the bodies pulled from the Presidential Palace in Pyongyang is indeed Kim Jong Un. The bombing of North Korea’s military complex and the elimination of their military strike capabilities took US SEAL teams on the ground less than three hours.

The White House and the Pentagon aren’t releasing any official statements, probably because this is now the Trump show and we no longer tell our enemies what our next move will be. This strike rang up 438 kills and only 310 of them were civilians. That’s a much lower rate of collateral damage than many of Obama’s drone strikes.

From the ground, North Korea is in turmoil, with generals assuming control for now. Without major weaponry, their army is reduced to a million screaming little Asians with automatic rifles and a few grenades. American boots will never need to touch the ground from here, according to our military specialist, Max “Mad Dog” Willox, former Marine gunnery sergeant and advisor to some of Hollywood’s biggest producers:

“Yes sir. American forces could stay in the air above their jungle and root out and kill anything remotely resembling the enemy. We did it in Vietnam only they had defensive weapons. This time, Charlie doesn’t have the ability to shoot back because our President has some real stones in his knickers.”

Sounds like we’ll be running Old Glory up over Pyongyang in no time.

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About Flagg Eagleton 98 Articles

Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.