Late Night Raid On Michigan Mosque Nets 11 ISIS Terrorists and More Than 40 Vests

A mosque in a small town outside of Dearborn, Michigan has been raided by a joint task force from the FBI, Homeland Security and the ATF. According to preliminary reports from the scene, which is closed off for more than a mile, 11 “very dangerous men” who aren’t supposed to be in America at all have been apprehended plotting what would have been our next 9-11.

Agent Nesmith Variacles of the FBI explains:

“We found more than 40 suicide vests that would have killed anyone in a 300 foot radius. That’s basically a football field. These bombs were high-tech, plastic and non-detectable. They could have blown up 40 malls, sports venues, buildings…whatever they wanted. The good news is, they were a week out and we caught them.”

The mosque was actively recruiting American teenage Muslims to help carry out its plan to murder “as many as 100K infidels.” That number means either a mass attack spread across the country or a major sports venue going down with all 40 vests going off in tandem. The Department of Refugee Affairs seems to think it would have been the latter:

“We believe they would have hit a football game next weekend, probably the Patriots in Foxboro. A liberal state is more likely to overlook a bunch of brown-skinned guys in overstuffed coats on a frigid Massachusetts night than they are to gove them a hard time. Especially if the vests don’t set off metal detectors.

We would be waking up to 100K dead Americans and ‘Boston Strong’ would be the war cry of the 21st century.”

This is the world we live in, folks. Might as well just stay indoors.

 

About Flagg Eagleton 138 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.