Nancy Pelosi Charged In The Death Of Her Husband

Nancy Pelosi’s husband, Leominster Davis Pelosi, was found dead in his car at a public park outside of Anaheim this afternoon. Police Captain Malcolm Reynolds of the Clarkston Sheriff’s Department says his officers knew immediately that this was a contract killing:

“Two to the chest, one to the head. we knew that it doesn’t matter where the spouse was. This was a paid hit. The spouse turns out to be Nancy Pelosi. She’s in Washington. That doesn’t matter if the guy who pulled the trigger gets popped. He’ll flip. They always do.”

It was a call from his wife that sent Leo Pelosi, as his friends knew him, to the park outside of Anaheim. Her office confirms sending him a text to meet their daughter, Abigail, and their 3 granddaughters to buy Girl Scout Cookies:

“Congresswoman Pelosi had planned the meeting weeks in advance. they meet at the same place every year on the first monday afternoon in March. It’s cookie season. Everyone knows that.”

Captain Reynolds sees that as a bit of a coincidence, considering the method of the kill, and has charged Nancy Pelosi with obstruction for not coming in to give a statement. Pelosi argues that she’s more than 14 hours away at a minimum but will be happy to come face the “ridiculous” charges and give a statement when the Congressional session ends.

The charge, being a misdemeanor, isn’t an extraditable offense, so Pelosi will continue to obstruct Congress while obstructing a murder investigation at the same time until the next break for Easter on April Fools day. Maybe she can go pretend she’s not a murderer.

As for the investigation, police are looking for this man:

Busta Troll of Lyman, Maine

They say the smile is fake and that he most likely stole the SpongeBob shirt to make people less fearful of his massive presence. He’s described as 5′ 18″ and about 340 pounds on a cheat day.  If you see him, do NOT approach. he is considered armed, dangerous and probably hungry.

About Flagg Eagleton 142 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.